How I learned to be Content with Life

The short answer to this blog is that I started counting my blessings instead of looking at the things I still wanted but didn't have.

The long story started after we realized that we'd be having yet another miscarriage. It was about to be my third and this time around I had gotten pregnant basically wondering when I should schedule my D&C because that's how my luck was going. In an effort to be hopeful I scheduled an ultrasound and waited with anticipation for the day I would hopefully, finally, once again see a heartbeat instead of a 5 week mass of tissue that had stopped growing.

But the day of the ultrasound came and to my disappointment, it wasn't looking right. One night, between the blood work and ultrasounds and miscarriage I started crying and told my husband I wish things could be different, I wish our student loans were paid off and we could be saving for a house, I wish I didn't have to work and could instead stay home with our daughter, I wish I didn't have this chronic illness to deal with, and I wish we could have another happy healthy baby.

He kind of got upset because he couldn't really change any of those and I think he said something like, "I know you want to have another baby, but we can't do anything about that right now. Isn't it enough that we have our daughter?"

I honestly wasn't sure. I had always planned on having a few kids, and to think of having just one felt strange. But for whatever reason that spoke to me. I had already been given one of the greatest gifts anyone can experience and here I was just wanting another one instead of being grateful for the one I had.

I can't remember what brought on my next wave of thoughts ,whether it was some tv show we were watching, or noticing people in public, but I noticed that women are always asking for more. There are jokes about it, tv shows about it, and you can see it when you visit a friend's house and they start to point out the things they would change about their homes or bodies or whatever else. I realized I was being like those women. I had been given so much, I had a beautiful, happy, smart, and decently well-behaved daughter and here I was complaining that I didn't have another kid. Why was I not happy with my daughter?

Well the answer is, I was happy with her, I had just expected to have my kids two years apart and that hadn't happened, so I wasn't thrilled with how my life was going. As I reflected on the question over and over again throughout that week I decided that I didn't want to be the type of woman who was always looking for something different or something new. I was simply going to be happy with what I had. It took some time and a definite dedication to changing the way I looked at my life, but I did it.

It still hurts to wonder if I'll ever have another kid, but I don't dwell on it anymore. Now I just say, "At least I have one!" and I try to make the most of her childhood because she won't be young forever.

So what are you wanting that doesn't seem to be coming your way? A meaningful relationship? A new car? A bigger house? A dream vacation? Whatever it is, don't give up, but stop fixating on it. Look at the wonderful things you do have and let that be your joy every day.